Have I mentioned how much I love my RE?

Because I do. A lot.

Long story short: I get to cycle this month!!

Recap: I got the news on CD2 that Dr. V was benching me until I followed-up with my PCP for the chest pain I experienced as few nights prior.

I was super bummed the rest of the day, but by the next day, I was out of my funk (I swear this process is making me bi-polar) and resigned to sitting out this cycle. I had an appt scheduled for Friday with my PCP per Dr. V's orders, and I got my gallbladder surgery set up for the following Friday. I even called to sign up for a 4-week bootcamp class but realized mid-convo that starting a new workout regime 4 days before surgery probably wasn't the best idea. Regardless, I was on the ball and moving along.

On CD4 (Friday), I went to see my PCP. He didn't seem too concerned with my symptoms, thought it could be gallbladder-related, but ran an EKG and took a couple x-rays anyway. Scans were good, EKG looked "tremendous," and the cute x-ray tech said I had very long lungs (aww, shucks) and was impressed by how quickly I was able to put my bra back on. Mad skillz.

PCP then called Dr. V's office to relay the information and give me the all-clear. He did say he'd recommend getting the gallbladder issue resolved before anything else.

The nurse he spoke to called me right after. For whatever reason, this nurse and I don't see eye-to-eye on much. I've already told and gotten approval from Dr. V that I wouldn't have the gallbladder surgery until I had a break cycle or until my symptoms got worse or more frequent. He was fine with that, especially since my only symptom is minor heartburn. You may be thinking, "Sandi, you had chest pain, that's kind of a big deal." I'm the most paranoid person in the world so, ordinarily, I would agree, but this was so minor and could have been anything, I'm just not all that concerned. This nurse couldn't seem to understand why I wouldn't want to have the surgery now when all I really need is Prevacid. After going back and forth for a while, she finally agreed to call Dr. V and ask him if I could start my meds a day later on CD4 instead of CD3.

He agreed!! Soooo I started my Menopur last night and will go back Tuesday for a follie scan. I'm not sure if he agreed because he thinks I'm really in the clear or if he agreed just to get me off their backs. I'll take it either way.

I truly feel like the worst patient ever. It's not my intention to be irritating or challenge them at every turn. I just feel like none of the people at my clinic know what this is like so they have no idea how stressful/frustrating/heartbreaking it all is. I honestly think I know more about many aspects of this than they do. It's their jobs, but this is my life. I live it and walk it every day.

Me and my big mouth!

Had my CD2 u/s today. I was taking bets on whether or not I had cysts, all the while secretly hoping I didn't because I wasn't feeling intense cramps/twinges like I normally do. Right ovary first - just a small little hazy sucker. Nothing that will stop us. The left ovary - clear! Yaaaay! Same protocol as last time, come back in 4 days, good to go. Great news, right?

Not quite. I just had to go and open my big mouth. "Well, my husband wanted me to ask about this." I then proceed to tell him I've been feeling fluttering in my chest and 2 nights ago had mild pain with a chill-like sensation down my left arm and about my family's history of heart disease.

Those were the brakes being put on my cycle. Dr. V benched me until I get it checked out. I did everything I could, intentionally and unintentionally, to change his mind. I said I thought it really was nothing and Jason was over-reacting. I said I knew I had Mitral Valve Prolapse and that was what was causing the fluttering - nothing major. I cried like a little girl (not embarrassing at all!), I even called back later saying I would sign a waiver or whatever it took. No dice.

So I ruined my only cycle I've ever not had cysts coming off of treatments. Good job, Sandi. I was so mad at Jason at first for having me mention it. How dare he be so concerned about his wife to make her ask about potential heart problems. What a jerk! (This was sarcasm in case you missed it.)

So I have yet another appointment with my PCP on Friday. This makes 3 times in 6 months when I hadn't seen him for 2 years prior. I'm totally going to try to downplay it like it's no big deal and see if he'll give me clearance without doing any testing. And I have a call out to schedule my gallbladder surgery. I'm still on the fence about that one. If I can let it slide, I will. I obviously take my health very seriously.

Oh, well. Bye-bye April baby.

These were today's lucky socks (thanks, Sara!). They did their job AND got called "funky" by my very dry RE. If only they came with a feature where they would jump off my feet and stuff themselves into my mouth whenever I was about to say something foolish. Let's get somebody on that prototype.

CD2: Here we go again

Well, that was fast. I stopped my progesterone on Friday and started my cycle in 4 days. Usually, it takes a week or more so I’m hoping that’s a good sign and maybe I don’t have cysts. The only time I’ve ever started so quickly after stopping supps/bcps/Provera, I was cyst-free, but I’m feeling those all too familiar twinges telling me I probably have some unwanted visitors in my ovaries.

If I do have to sit out another month, and let’s be honest, there’s a 99% chance of that happening, I do have some things on the agenda to keep me busy for those 3 weeks. First thing, Jason and I are going back to eating healthy in hopes to lose some weight. We did so well before. I mean, he lost over 65lbs and I lost over 30. That’s nothing to sneeze at. We just have to keep it up this time and can’t go back to eating junk.

Next, I’m getting back into running and working out. I love working out. It makes me feel better and healthier and stronger. It’s just so hard to get into a rhythm when you’re under doctor’s orders not to get your heart rate over 140 and no free weights or twisting or ab work during the 2ww, basically eliminating every activity except walking.

Last thing, which will involuntarily help with the diet and hurt with the working out, I’ll be having my gall bladder removed. It’s not ejecting the bile as quickly as it should – why does everything in my body work in slow motion? – so my doc and surgeon both recommended removal.

I reeeaaaalllly don’t want to have it removed, mainly for selfish reasons. I’m from Louisiana. We eat spicy foods. We eat fatty foods. No gallbladder means those things go out the window. I want to eat healthier so the fatty foods aren’t that big of a deal, but I don’t want to never be able to enjoy one of my grandma’s meals again. I don’t feel bad now, no symptoms besides mild heartburn and the occasional tummy ache, so I don’t want to have this surgery and feel worse than I do now, which I no doubt will. Bah. Boo surgery.

So if (when) I get the news today that my ovaries are full of giant bags of fluid, I’ll at least have some things to keep my mind less focused on the fact that I’m wasting yet another month and it’ll be just that much longer before we reach our goal.

#4

Just got the call with my beta. It was 2.38 so I was close when I said it was probably at a 3. Anything over 0 is technically pregnant so it's another very early chemical. This makes 4 out of 4 ovulatory cycles where this has happened. The only good thing about all of them being so early is I don't feel like they're losses. I just feel like it didn't work. If it was a loss at 6 weeks or later instead of at 4 weeks, I don't know how I would be able to handle it.

I just don't understand where the problem is coming in. Is it implantation? Could it be egg quality? The sperm seems to be finding the egg. What's going wrong after that? It's so frustrating. I thought we were just dealing with an ovulatory problem. That's being taken care of so why does this keep happening? I feel like I'm stuck on repeat with all of this. Different cycle, different treatment plan, same outcome. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

Jason and I had a good talk about our next steps. We have a lot of questions for Dr. V. Namely, what he suggests our options are and if there is anything we could be missing, testing-wide, procedure-wise, that could be keeping us from staying pregnant. I just wish we had some answers or at least something to work on.

I also have an appointment next week with a counselor who specializes in people with fertility problems. I'm still not sold that I'm going, but even tonight Jason says I seem to be growing numb to everything. It's my saving grace because if I wasn't numb to some of this, I'd be a ball of nerves or crying every waking second. I just compartmentalize it, put it in the back behind the milk, and try to forget it's there. Some days it works, some days it doesn't. Today, not so much.

Deja vu all over again

Another cycle down. Another negative in the books. This one is harder than the rest. It’s crushed me. I can’t even say why really. I wasn’t overly hopeful, but I guess in my heart I just felt like this was it. I had a peace about it, even with no real reason to believe it should turn out any differently.

At 10dpo/12dpt, there was still a noticeable line from the trigger. At 11dpo/13dpt the 2^nd line was so faint, only a trained infertile could pick it up. I just had this feeling that the 2^nd line would never go away, I’d go from trigger to BFP, so when it did, I lost it. I knew it was over. I cried at home, I cried on my way to work, I cried at work, I cried on the way home from work (to my credit, the one song that makes me cry every single time I hear it came on – Praise You In This Storm – Thanks, God!). That was Tuesday. That was my low point.

At 12dpo, the line was back. Darker but still very light. I took another test that evening and it was nearly identical to the morning test. What’s that? Oh, just a speck of hope mixed with BSC. 

Yesterday morning, 13dpo, I took a FRER and a cheapie. The FRER was stark white and the cheapie’s line was lighter than the day before. So the speck of hope I had is gone leaving behind only BSC.

I still had to go in for my beta today even though I knew what they were going to say. I really hate this part - sitting in that chair on the verge on tears knowing there's no hope. And of course this...

Nurse: So did you test?!

Me: Yep.

Nurse: And????

Me: Nope.

Nurse: Well, you never know!

Really? You think after sitting in that same chair getting that same test under the same circumstances time after time that I would believe that today is going to turn out any differently? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m sitting at a 3 and they call it a low positive and tell me to continue my supps and come back in two days. I hate that about my clinic. I mean, seriously. Has anyone ever gotten a 3 at 14dpo and gone on to have a successful pregnancy? The odds are not ever in my favor. In fact, most clinics don’t consider it a true positive unless it’s over 5. Not my clinic. They love drawing out the oh-so-pleasant experience for as long as possible. If it is a low “positive,” I’m going to ask if I can forgo the supps and the 2^nd beta and they can just run a beta on me during my CD2 baseline. I’m not in the mood for games.

I just wish it got easier. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. My family, Jason’s family, Jason. My grandparents, God bless them, are so sweet. They always ask me how things are going and if I have any news. It breaks my heart having to tell them it didn’t work. Neither of them is going to be here much longer and I would so love for my children to be able to meet the people who raised me. Even if they won’t remember meeting them. I’d still be able to get a picture and show them when they got older. “These are your great grandparents. Levi, you were named after your Great Grandpa. Emory, you were named after your Great Grandma. They loved you so much.” 

I know no one thinks I’m letting them down. I just can’t but feel like I’m keeping something from them. Like I’m making them miss out on something. I even told Jason that one day, he’d come home from work and find some of my stuff gone and divorce papers on the kitchen counter with a note telling him to find someone who could make him a father. I love my husband so much and I’m so lucky to be his wife, but not being able to give him kids hurts worse than not being able to give me kids. My family already has grand/great-grand kids. Jason’s does too. So they at least have had that experience. Jason will never have kids unless I do. That is the worst part. He’s so deserving of being a dad and he’s going to make such a great one, I can’t be the one to take that away from him. 

Of course, I would never actually do that. I’m too selfish and need him too much. If treatments fail, we will be more than happy to pursue adoption. Our child is out there somewhere. Whether I grow him in my belly or someone else does, we will be parents one day. 

God, please give me the strength to walk this path. At times I feel weaker than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I know you are always beside me. I know your timing is perfect and you will provide in your way and in your time. Please give me the peace and understanding to truly accept that and forgive me when I doubt. Guide me in your way and give me courage to follow the path you set before me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

One week down...

One to go! This week actually hasn't been bad, but it's usually the 2nd half of the 2ww that makes me go a little cray cray.

I did get some good news on Monday. My P4 at 3dpo was already 14.4! Dr. V likes to see it above 15 at 7dpo so already being that high is comforting. I'm still on supps because my P4 tends to drop off so the supps help keep my levels...level.

I started testing out the trigger yesterday, and I'm still getting a clear 2nd line today at 7dpo/9dpt. It usually stays in my system until around 11dpt so I've still got a couple days before I really start obsessively peeing on things. I go a little overboard with the pee sticks. It gets bad.

I'm trying to stay positive about this cycle, but I'm kind of numb to it - not overly hopeful but not overly pessimistic. Jason says he has a really good feeling about it, but he says that about every cycle. The eternal optimist. We went to a Japanese restaurant for lunch today, and I thought both our fortunes were worth keeping. Mine was "First to start does not mean first to cross the finish line." Ain't that the truth, wise Japanese fortune teller. It seems like we started on this journey so long ago and so many who started after us have already reached the finish line while we're still stalled in the gates. I don't think the wise Japanese fortune teller meant it in a negative way, but he surely made me feel like poop. Or maybe that was the golden Cali roll. Sooo yummy! Jason's fortune was much more hopeful. "Happier days are definitely ahead for you. Struggle has ended." Please, oh, please be true!

So in just 5-7 short days, I'll find out if I'm firmly pregnant, slightly pregnant and on the verge of another c/p, or not even a little bit pregnant and on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Which one will it be?!

And the Wait Begins...

Another 2ww is underway! Undoubtedly, my least favorite part capped off by my least favorite part of the least favorite part...my leastest favorite part...the time between the blood draw and the call telling me what my beta is. Those are the longest hours of this whole process. (I just said process in my head like a Canadian..pro-cess. Too much HGTV for me!)

Trigger was 4th of July. It was funny because I was standing in my lucky socks, given to me by a fellow bumpie, while Jason gave me the trigger, donated to me by the same bumpie. She's now pregnant so I'm hoping some of her good mojo will rub off on me. Dr. V decided to bring me in at 3dpo for a P4 check and go ahead and start me on supps. I'm beyond relieved by this. While supps flippin' suck, they give me such peace of mind knowing my body is getting enough progesterone during the crucial implantation time. One less thing to worry about is fine by me.

We decided to forego IUI #3 and just did TI this cycle. Jason really wanted to try one last time with just us, and since his counts have been phenomenal, I agreed. I was a good girl and didn't do my usual routine of peeing on every stick in the free world last cycle, but I'm 99% sure I'll be reverting to my old habits this time, starting with testing out the trigger around 8dpt.

So bring on the 2 weeks of over-analyzing every twinge, cramp, bout of fatigue, craving, could be PMS-could be pregnancy symptom. Yay torment!

Miss me?

Apparently, I'm one of those 3-posts-a-year type bloggers. I'll try to do better because I know everyone's on pins and needles waiting for my updates.

I wish I could say I haven't posted because we got pregnant and I was waiting to share it with the world. Truth is, we did get pregnant, but like the 2 times before, it ended just as quickly as it began. I went from jumping up and down with the pups with a pee stick in my hand (shut it) to crying in the shower wondering what is wrong with me. Pathetic, I know. I hate chemical pregnancies. I'll never be able to be excited at the beginning of a pregnancy for fear it'll end just like all the others. Just one more thing IF has taken from me.

We did get some good news in light of the bad. Since that was our 3rd chemical, Dr. V (my RE) ordered karyotype testing done on both of us. Turns out, we're both completely normal! No major genetic concerns, which could have been the cause of our losses, so that's a huge relief.

Right now we're in the middle of another treatment cycle. It's been a rough go, seems like a lot is stacked against us, but we're still rolling. The baseline u/s showed a cyst on each ovary, and my E2 (estrogen) was 69. Usually, Dr. V likes it to be below 60, but he decided to let me continue this month so I didn't have to sit out again. Bullet #1: Dodged. A few days later, I had a consult with a general surgeon to discuss test results from my gallbladder scan. He recommended surgery for removal sooner rather than later, which meant cancelling the cycle. After talking with Dr. V, we decided since I'm not having any symptoms, we could continue and see how this cycle plays out. Bullet #2: Dodged. If I do get pregnant and I start to develop symptoms, I can still have the surgery, but if I remain symptom-free, I'll try to put it off until after delivery. If I don't get pregnant, I'll probably have cysts and have to sit out a month anyway so I'll get the surgery during that time.

So that's where we are right now. I'm on CD8 of an injects only cycle. We eliminated the Clomid and my lining yesterday was already better than it ever has been in the past. I did Menopur and Ganirelix injections tonight - Menopur to help stimulate the follicles and Gani to suppress my LH surge. I'm a pro with the Menopur now, but this was the first time I'd ever done Gani. The needle was so dull, it took 3 stabs before I got it in. Then it burned and itched like a mother for about 30 minutes. So yeh, not looking forward to 2 more nights of those. Eyes on the prize.