Coming Out

I have a problem. The evidence is there. If you come to my house and snoop around a bit, it won't take long to see the tell-tale signs. Peek into the medicine cabinet, and you’ll find needles and unused vials of medicine. Take a glance over at the counter, and you’ll see a biohazard disposal for sharps. In the fridge...more meds waiting to be used. 

I have a problem. I’m infertile. Well, I like to call it infertile-lite. My problem stems from something that has the potential to be fixed with less invasive treatments. I don’t claim to be in the same category as someone facing severe Male Factor Infertility or Diminished Ovarian Reserve or many of the countless evil faces Infertility (IF) takes. Those ladies (and men) are the true warriors on this battlefield. I have a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) which is bad enough in itself, but unfortunately mine is coupled with a thyroid disorder called Hashimoto’s Disease. Treatable? Yes. Fixable? Maybe. But still a bad deal.

I was diagnosed with both in August 2010, 5 months after our wedding. At the time, I didn’t really know what having PCOS would mean in terms of conceiving, I just knew not having a period wasn't a good sign. I always had irregular, practically non-existent cycles, so deep down I had a feeling it’d take me a little longer to get knocked up than the average gal. It wasn’t until I went home and researched PCOS that it hit me that this wasn’t going to be easy. 

After a year of trying to treat both conditions with an OBGYN and an Endocrinologist, my Hashi's was under control, but the PCOS wasn’t budging. Both doctors said there was nothing more they could do for me so I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a doctor who specializes in fertility. We've now been with the RE for going on 9 months.

For those of you lucky enough to have never stepped foot in a fertility clinic, take my word for it, it gets real old, real fast. This is basically your 2^nd home. You’re there weekly, sometimes more, getting poked and prodded with needles or having your lady bits examined more invasively than anyone deserves. IF is not fun. It's not just popping a pill and waiting to get pregnant. Any sense of privacy or normalcy in the way you originally thought you’d increase your family flies out the window when you’re stabbing yourself in the belly with fertility drugs or your husband is leaving “deposits” at the clinic. You’re constantly reminded of your struggles when you see a lady with that oh so cute baby bump, or when a co-worker brings his newborn to work to show off, or when you’re seemingly endlessly bombarded with photos/statuses/announcements on Facebook of your mommy and daddy friends’ precious little ones. The reminders are everywhere, and while you’re happy for everyone else, man does it sting. And the further you get into the battle, the more it hurts. I’m not criticizing anyone for posting photos or -- God-forbid -- getting pregnant (gasp!). I hope to join the Proud Momma Club one day, and then you’ll be the ones flooded with updates about my little bambino. It’s just a hard path to walk down when it seems like you’re the only one on it.

You may be asking yourself why this crazy girl is airing out all her dirty laundry on the interwebz. I’ll tell you why. Infertility sucks, but it’s not something to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. It is not a punishment from God anymore than cancer is, although it can certainly feel that way sometimes. I completely understand why anyone dealing with IF would want to keep some sort of privacy around them. So much of our privacy is stripped away from us in this process, it's reasonable to want to hold on to what little you can. I’m coming out of the IF closet because I want to raise awareness about Infertility, and I want people who do choose to suffer silently to realize that they are not alone. One in 8 couples is battling with IF, and some studies suggest it could be as many as 1 in 6. We are not alone. We are not any less of women or men because of it. We are stronger because of it. We will be better mothers and fathers because of the pain and hardship we're facing now. And one day, when we hold our child in our arms, whether that child was created through Intrauterine Insemination or In Vitro Fertilization or surrogacy or donor egg/sperm/embryo or adoption, all the injections and procedures and those fun ultrasounds, all the tears, all the heartaches...it will all be so worth it!