#4

Just got the call with my beta. It was 2.38 so I was close when I said it was probably at a 3. Anything over 0 is technically pregnant so it's another very early chemical. This makes 4 out of 4 ovulatory cycles where this has happened. The only good thing about all of them being so early is I don't feel like they're losses. I just feel like it didn't work. If it was a loss at 6 weeks or later instead of at 4 weeks, I don't know how I would be able to handle it.

I just don't understand where the problem is coming in. Is it implantation? Could it be egg quality? The sperm seems to be finding the egg. What's going wrong after that? It's so frustrating. I thought we were just dealing with an ovulatory problem. That's being taken care of so why does this keep happening? I feel like I'm stuck on repeat with all of this. Different cycle, different treatment plan, same outcome. I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

Jason and I had a good talk about our next steps. We have a lot of questions for Dr. V. Namely, what he suggests our options are and if there is anything we could be missing, testing-wide, procedure-wise, that could be keeping us from staying pregnant. I just wish we had some answers or at least something to work on.

I also have an appointment next week with a counselor who specializes in people with fertility problems. I'm still not sold that I'm going, but even tonight Jason says I seem to be growing numb to everything. It's my saving grace because if I wasn't numb to some of this, I'd be a ball of nerves or crying every waking second. I just compartmentalize it, put it in the back behind the milk, and try to forget it's there. Some days it works, some days it doesn't. Today, not so much.