We had our 2nd ultrasound yesterday at apparently 6w1d. I've been thinking Saturdays were the start of a new week, but I guess I was wrong.
I was really nervous and afraid we wouldn't see anything. Nurse Bump, who has quickly become my favorite nurse, was working with Dr. V.
When he started the u/s, I could tell the sac had gotten bigger. A move of the wand and I saw the most beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat. Dr. V didn't comment on it, he just kept moving along, so that got me nervous. Jason later told me that he saw it too and looked to Melissa (Nurse Bump) for reassurance. She was smiling and slightly nodding so he knew it was good.
Dr. V continued along and pointed out the crown to rump growth, AKA the baby. It wasn't as clear as I was expecting so that got me nervous.
See a trend here? I've determined I'm never NOT going to be nervous.
At the end, he came back to the heartbeat to show us. He didn't measure the heartbeat or tell me how far along the baby was measuring, which I thought happened at 6 weeks, but I asked him if he should've been able to see more and he quickly said no and we were right on par.
He said normally they'd wait 2 weeks before bringing me in again, but... He hesitated so I jumped in and said that I'd be more than happy to come back sooner. He said he figured as much and he'd bring me in next week then if all looks good, 2 weeks from that, then I think I'd be released to my OB.
I'm still nervous, but I truly am trying to think more in terms of when we have this baby instead of if we have this baby. My body has failed me so much along this journey that I'm afraid it's going to fail me in this as well.
I do know one thing. This kid has an amazing dad. I told Jason last week that I almost bought him a dad's book, one that gives good info on pregnancy but is meant for guys and funny. He told me to buy it and send it to his Kindle. I thought he might have said that to appease me, maybe he'd read it eventually. Every single day he's coming to me saying "my book says that..." or "did you know that..." He knows more about some of this than I do!
I've read some women complaining that their husbands don't really get involved until later in the pregnancy. It's understandable as it's not as "real" for the men since they're not the ones growing a baby in their bellies.
I will say Jason is definitely already invested. When we were going through treatments, I think he felt a little helpless, clueless even. With this, I think he feels like he can actually do something and contribute so he's going all out. I'm not complaining. I knew he was wonderful when I married him. :)
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
5 weeks 4 days
It's the day after Christmas, and I must say, this has been the most exciting Christmas yet.
We spent Christmas Eve with my family. Since I only wanted to tell my parents right now (if my grandma finds out, the entire state of Louisiana would know within 20 minutes), it was difficult finding and time and place to do it. We eventually just had them open their gifts outside in the back of my 4-Runner.
I had my video camera out and ready. I'd been filming off and on throughout the day to try to make it less suspicious when I was filming them. My niece was out there helping them open presents, and I was a little worried she'd catch on and say something but she's only 3 and was more worried about the paper and climbing back and forth across my back seat.
For the main event, I had wrapped up 2 onesies - a camo one for my dad and a "Worth the Wait" one for my mom. I made them open them at the same time. My dad did his usually "Ah ha ha!" and my mom screamed and jumped up and down. Then my dad came and hugged me and did something I've only seen him do a handful of times. He cried.
Let me tell you a little about my dad. He's a manly man. Just earlier that day, he was skinning a deer he'd killed. Not feminine in the least and definitely not a crier. But when he does cry, I swear the man has got the girly-est cry I've ever heard. It's so funny.
The rest of the day was great. Lots of family time. It's hard keeping it a secret, especially from my grandparents, whom we've already decided we're naming our first boy and girl after. But if all goes well, we'll only have to keep it from everyone for a few more weeks.
The next morning, Christmas Day, we drove to Jason's house. The weather was horrible, severe thunderstorms and bad lightning. I was terrified, but I knew how much we both wanted to tell his parents so we kept driving.
When we got there, I whipped out my video camera, although admittedly, it wasn't quite as inconspicuous. There wasn't a whole lot going on to mask my reason for the camera. Oh well.
We pulled his parents into the living room and gave the gift to his mom. We said it came in late and was funny and/or scary so we wanted to get their reaction. For them, we framed this picture I made of our pups, and wrapped it up with the "Worth the Wait" onesie.
When mom-in-law opened it, well, let's just say she was excited. She threw her legs up in the air (she was sitting in a chair) and then got up and jumped around yelling. It was so funny.
Jason's sister came in later and we showed her. She didn't really read the words at first, just saw the picture, so it took her a little bit to catch on. When she got it, she turned around real fast and said "Are you?!" I'm due about 4 months after her. Yippee!
I would love to post the videos, and I may eventually, but I think my dad and Jason's mom might kill me so we'll hold off on that for a while.
I will say, no matter what happens, it was amazing being able to share this with the people we love the most, who've been there for us in the worst of times and can now rejoice with us in the best of times. God is good!
We spent Christmas Eve with my family. Since I only wanted to tell my parents right now (if my grandma finds out, the entire state of Louisiana would know within 20 minutes), it was difficult finding and time and place to do it. We eventually just had them open their gifts outside in the back of my 4-Runner.
I had my video camera out and ready. I'd been filming off and on throughout the day to try to make it less suspicious when I was filming them. My niece was out there helping them open presents, and I was a little worried she'd catch on and say something but she's only 3 and was more worried about the paper and climbing back and forth across my back seat.
For the main event, I had wrapped up 2 onesies - a camo one for my dad and a "Worth the Wait" one for my mom. I made them open them at the same time. My dad did his usually "Ah ha ha!" and my mom screamed and jumped up and down. Then my dad came and hugged me and did something I've only seen him do a handful of times. He cried.
Let me tell you a little about my dad. He's a manly man. Just earlier that day, he was skinning a deer he'd killed. Not feminine in the least and definitely not a crier. But when he does cry, I swear the man has got the girly-est cry I've ever heard. It's so funny.
The rest of the day was great. Lots of family time. It's hard keeping it a secret, especially from my grandparents, whom we've already decided we're naming our first boy and girl after. But if all goes well, we'll only have to keep it from everyone for a few more weeks.
The next morning, Christmas Day, we drove to Jason's house. The weather was horrible, severe thunderstorms and bad lightning. I was terrified, but I knew how much we both wanted to tell his parents so we kept driving.
When we got there, I whipped out my video camera, although admittedly, it wasn't quite as inconspicuous. There wasn't a whole lot going on to mask my reason for the camera. Oh well.
We pulled his parents into the living room and gave the gift to his mom. We said it came in late and was funny and/or scary so we wanted to get their reaction. For them, we framed this picture I made of our pups, and wrapped it up with the "Worth the Wait" onesie.
When mom-in-law opened it, well, let's just say she was excited. She threw her legs up in the air (she was sitting in a chair) and then got up and jumped around yelling. It was so funny.
Jason's sister came in later and we showed her. She didn't really read the words at first, just saw the picture, so it took her a little bit to catch on. When she got it, she turned around real fast and said "Are you?!" I'm due about 4 months after her. Yippee!
I would love to post the videos, and I may eventually, but I think my dad and Jason's mom might kill me so we'll hold off on that for a while.
I will say, no matter what happens, it was amazing being able to share this with the people we love the most, who've been there for us in the worst of times and can now rejoice with us in the best of times. God is good!
12/22/2012 - 5 weeks
(This post was written on the date listed in the title. I
wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families
before posting these.)
When I got the call Wednesday, I was devastated. From 156 to 223 meant a doubling time in the 93hr range. Normal is 48-72 hours. Not good. Dr. V wanted me to stay on the meds and come back Saturday (today) for an ultrasound and repeat beta.
I left work and willed myself to hold it together until I made it to my car. "Make it to your car, Sandi. Don't lose it. You can make it to your car."
I didn't even call Jason because I was afraid I'd become too upset to drive. So I drove home and told him the news. It was not a fun night. I'm pretty sure I checked out emotionally for a while. It's kind of what I do.
I took off work Thursday because I knew I couldn't sit at that desk for 9 hours. I'd go insane. So instead I went Christmas shopping for our families, namely our nieces. Big mistake. I don't know what made me think I could handle shopping for toddlers the day after getting that news. As if I don't stress about Christmas shopping enough. I called Jason and broke down in one of the few deserted aisles at Target. Luckily, I pulled myself together, got everything I needed, and got the heck out of there.
Friday we had Christmas with Jason's family. This would have been when we told his family, but since we were looking at a probable miscarriage, we decided to hold off on sharing that happy news.
His sister is due in 4 months, and I honestly thought it was going to be hard on me after getting the news, but it wasn't at all. I'm actually really excited for her and can't wait to go crazy buying stuff for her and the baby. I got so lucky in the in-law department and love them all so much. It also helped that Jason's niece was there and she is the most adorable girl in the world. She made a point to sit by me at supper, even after I had to switch seats, she moved her stool right by mine. Silly little things like that make my heart soar.
That brings up to today. We had a follow-up beta along with an ultrasound. Oddly, I wasn't super nervous. I haven't been nervous or overly pessimistic this whole cycle, not to my standards anyway. I went back for my blood draw and asked the nurse if they could even see anything this early. She said sometimes they can see a sac, we'll just have to wait and see.
After a few more minutes waiting in the lobby, we got called back into a room. Dr. V came in quickly and got to looking.
And there it was.
A teeny tiny perfectly round sac. In all my research, I've never gone beyond diagnoses and treatments. I don't know what to expect on this side of things. I'm in foreign territory so I have no clue if it's a good size sac or if it's small or what.
Dr. V checked my ovaries to see if maybe there was an ectopic in the tubes. No signs. I did have some CL cysts which explain the pains I've been having in my sides.
He said at this point, the sac looks good with a good placental layer (maybe he didn't say layer...but good placental something). He also said he was encouraged because coming into the appointment, he didn't think he'd see anything with my betas as low as they were and since we did see something, we'll probably get a decent increase in our beta today.
Jason had to straight up ask him if this was a good thing since he "couldn't get a read on you, doc." Dr. V said it was encouraging and to remain cautiously optimistic. The nurse gave us two pictures of our tiny sac and we are already in love. Is it sad to feel such an emotional attachment to a black circle on a piece of paper?
We got the call for the beta around 12:30...one reason I love Saturday appointments. It was funny because we were driving and I motioned for Jason to turn down the radio. It was already completely turned down. Ok, I was nervous!
It was 656. That's a doubling time of 46 hours! That's our fastest yet!! It's still on the low side of normal BUT we're doubling at a good rate and going in the right direction.
Our parents are still in the dark, but now that we hope things are looking better, we're going to be telling them. We'll tell my parents on Christmas Eve and Jason's parents on Christmas Day. I'm so excited to tell them! Even if it ends badly, I so want to share this happiness with them right now while we can.
The past 16 months have been one disappointment after the next, but it seems like this past week has been the most emotionally exhausting week of it all. I'm praying harder and more than I ever have that this little guy or girl continues to fight and grow and comes out to meet us in 35ish more weeks!
I'd like to introduce the world to Baby T! If you're anything like us and have no clue what you're looking at, the black circle in the middle is our little bambino. If you look closely (click to enlarge), you can see a horizontal divide. I think the top half is the placenta and the bottom half will become our baby.
When I got the call Wednesday, I was devastated. From 156 to 223 meant a doubling time in the 93hr range. Normal is 48-72 hours. Not good. Dr. V wanted me to stay on the meds and come back Saturday (today) for an ultrasound and repeat beta.
I left work and willed myself to hold it together until I made it to my car. "Make it to your car, Sandi. Don't lose it. You can make it to your car."
I didn't even call Jason because I was afraid I'd become too upset to drive. So I drove home and told him the news. It was not a fun night. I'm pretty sure I checked out emotionally for a while. It's kind of what I do.
I took off work Thursday because I knew I couldn't sit at that desk for 9 hours. I'd go insane. So instead I went Christmas shopping for our families, namely our nieces. Big mistake. I don't know what made me think I could handle shopping for toddlers the day after getting that news. As if I don't stress about Christmas shopping enough. I called Jason and broke down in one of the few deserted aisles at Target. Luckily, I pulled myself together, got everything I needed, and got the heck out of there.
Friday we had Christmas with Jason's family. This would have been when we told his family, but since we were looking at a probable miscarriage, we decided to hold off on sharing that happy news.
His sister is due in 4 months, and I honestly thought it was going to be hard on me after getting the news, but it wasn't at all. I'm actually really excited for her and can't wait to go crazy buying stuff for her and the baby. I got so lucky in the in-law department and love them all so much. It also helped that Jason's niece was there and she is the most adorable girl in the world. She made a point to sit by me at supper, even after I had to switch seats, she moved her stool right by mine. Silly little things like that make my heart soar.
That brings up to today. We had a follow-up beta along with an ultrasound. Oddly, I wasn't super nervous. I haven't been nervous or overly pessimistic this whole cycle, not to my standards anyway. I went back for my blood draw and asked the nurse if they could even see anything this early. She said sometimes they can see a sac, we'll just have to wait and see.
After a few more minutes waiting in the lobby, we got called back into a room. Dr. V came in quickly and got to looking.
And there it was.
A teeny tiny perfectly round sac. In all my research, I've never gone beyond diagnoses and treatments. I don't know what to expect on this side of things. I'm in foreign territory so I have no clue if it's a good size sac or if it's small or what.
Dr. V checked my ovaries to see if maybe there was an ectopic in the tubes. No signs. I did have some CL cysts which explain the pains I've been having in my sides.
He said at this point, the sac looks good with a good placental layer (maybe he didn't say layer...but good placental something). He also said he was encouraged because coming into the appointment, he didn't think he'd see anything with my betas as low as they were and since we did see something, we'll probably get a decent increase in our beta today.
Jason had to straight up ask him if this was a good thing since he "couldn't get a read on you, doc." Dr. V said it was encouraging and to remain cautiously optimistic. The nurse gave us two pictures of our tiny sac and we are already in love. Is it sad to feel such an emotional attachment to a black circle on a piece of paper?
We got the call for the beta around 12:30...one reason I love Saturday appointments. It was funny because we were driving and I motioned for Jason to turn down the radio. It was already completely turned down. Ok, I was nervous!
It was 656. That's a doubling time of 46 hours! That's our fastest yet!! It's still on the low side of normal BUT we're doubling at a good rate and going in the right direction.
Our parents are still in the dark, but now that we hope things are looking better, we're going to be telling them. We'll tell my parents on Christmas Eve and Jason's parents on Christmas Day. I'm so excited to tell them! Even if it ends badly, I so want to share this happiness with them right now while we can.
The past 16 months have been one disappointment after the next, but it seems like this past week has been the most emotionally exhausting week of it all. I'm praying harder and more than I ever have that this little guy or girl continues to fight and grow and comes out to meet us in 35ish more weeks!
I'd like to introduce the world to Baby T! If you're anything like us and have no clue what you're looking at, the black circle in the middle is our little bambino. If you look closely (click to enlarge), you can see a horizontal divide. I think the top half is the placenta and the bottom half will become our baby.
12/19/2012 - 4 weeks 4 days
(This post was written on the date listed in the title. I
wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families
before posting these.)
I went to my IRL support group last night. I love that group. So far, it’s only been 4-5 girls, including me, but we were all very open from the get-go and have gotten along great. We say just about every meeting that it’s so nice to have people who just get it.
I went to my IRL support group last night. I love that group. So far, it’s only been 4-5 girls, including me, but we were all very open from the get-go and have gotten along great. We say just about every meeting that it’s so nice to have people who just get it.
I was actually really nervous to tell them I’m officially
pregnant. Mainly because that leaves one lady who doesn’t have a kid or isn’t
knocked up. I would really hate for her to feel left out in a place that’s
supposed to be safe. I know I would. She seemed to take it well though so maybe
she’s not as jealous as I am.
My next beta wasn’t supposed to be until Friday, 4 days from
my last, but I called yesterday to get one today also. If I’m being honest, the
main reason is because I’m too impatient to wait 4 days. And because of the
faulty pee stick incident of Monday, I refuse to pee on anything else. But we
also have this cute way of telling our parents that would require me to
purchase frames and have this picture I created developed, and I just really don’t
want to go through all that only to have Friday’s beta come back bad, then have
to throw it all away. It would be too much.
Barring any emergencies, I’ll get the call between 2-4 this
afternoon. I’m not as nervous as I was Monday because, as I said, no faulty pee
sticks to mess with my head, I still have my normal symptoms, and I’m starting
to feel a bit queasy here and there. I have to force myself to eat during the
day because the thought of food is…off-putting. It doesn’t make me want to
hurl, it just sounds horrible. This could all very well be attributed to nerves
but for the sake of those very nerves, I’ll say they’re symptoms of my
condition.
I just got a text from one of the ladies in the support
group sending prayers for a strong number. That was unexpected and, not gonna
lie, it’s kinda making me tear up.
They’re keeping me waiting again today. It’s 4:25pm and no
call yet. I’m not as nervous today as I was Monday, which kinda makes me
nervous. I know Dr. V has to review all the labs and give his orders for what
to do going forward so that takes some time, so I keep telling myself that maybe
he had a busy day and it’s taking longer than normal.
223. Doubling time of 93 hours. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.
12/17/2012 - 4weeks 2 days
(This post and the
next few to follow were written on the dates listed in the titles. I
wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families
before posting these.)
I woke up this morning and POA FRER. The line was light. Lighter than Friday’s. I broke down in my kitchen, bawling my eyes out, asking God why He did this. I climbed back in bed and told Jason and he just hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. As soon as he hugged me, I just felt at peace. He has the unique superpower to calm his crazy wife. It’s impressive.
But, being the scientific-minded person I am, I decided there could be a few variables that contributed to getting a lighter test. Of course, I didn’t decide this until I was in lying in bed, wrapped up in Jason’s therapeutic arms, after the freak out.
It’s 3:35pm. Elevated heart rate, difficulty breathing, sweaty palms, cue panic attack!
4:15pm and still nothing. I’ve never been this anxious for anything before. I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but I’m trying to hold on to hope that this isn’t over already, after all we’ve done to get here.
4:30pm…tick tock tick tock.
It’s 156! That’s a doubling time of 51.7 hours, which is within the 48-72 hours that they like to see. Thank you, God!!
They didn’t call until 4:42. Holy ball of nerves! The nurse apologized for it taking so long but Dr. V had an emergency today. I’m so relieved! Now I’m starving!!! We still have a ways to go but we’re heading in the right direction!
I woke up this morning and POA FRER. The line was light. Lighter than Friday’s. I broke down in my kitchen, bawling my eyes out, asking God why He did this. I climbed back in bed and told Jason and he just hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay. As soon as he hugged me, I just felt at peace. He has the unique superpower to calm his crazy wife. It’s impressive.
But, being the scientific-minded person I am, I decided there could be a few variables that contributed to getting a lighter test. Of course, I didn’t decide this until I was in lying in bed, wrapped up in Jason’s therapeutic arms, after the freak out.
- The test looked wonky. The top and bottom of the test line looked good and dark, but the middle part of the line looked light and…fuzzy. And the words printed on the test were very faded so maybe the test was bad.
- All my other tests have been dipped. This one was a direct hit with the pee stream. Nice visual, huh? Could the duration, amount, and method of saturation be a contributing factor to the darkness of the line? I’m reaching.
- I’ve been drinking more water lately so maybe the sample wasn’t as concentrated. I also read on a very non-scientific site that if you take your prenatal at night, which I do, the Vitamin B could throw off your results. I’m not buying that one though.
It’s 3:35pm. Elevated heart rate, difficulty breathing, sweaty palms, cue panic attack!
4:15pm and still nothing. I’ve never been this anxious for anything before. I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but I’m trying to hold on to hope that this isn’t over already, after all we’ve done to get here.
4:30pm…tick tock tick tock.
It’s 156! That’s a doubling time of 51.7 hours, which is within the 48-72 hours that they like to see. Thank you, God!!
They didn’t call until 4:42. Holy ball of nerves! The nurse apologized for it taking so long but Dr. V had an emergency today. I’m so relieved! Now I’m starving!!! We still have a ways to go but we’re heading in the right direction!
12/16/2012 - 4 weeks 1 day
(This post and the
next few to follow were written on the dates listed in the titles. I
wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families
before posting these.)
I've been going slightly crazy the last couple days. I spent hours yesterday cleaning our bathroom. It was gross. You don't really notice until you're down on your hands and knees scrubbing like a madwoman but...eww.
I had really bad feelings yesterday. I was crampy all throughout the day and so, of course, I was fearing the worst. Had I gotten pregnant early on, I could've been one of those naive, blissfully ignorant woman that think nothing will happen to them. Unfortunately, I've seen too many woman have very unhappy endings to their happy news. So I'm a little (a lot) nervous about what could happen.
That being said, I went and bought more FRERs after church today so I could compare lines. Today's is darker than the one I took Friday so that makes me feel a little better. I go tomorrow for a follow-up beta so of it doubles properly, it'll put my mind at ease...for a few minutes anyway.
Jason went hunting yesterday. He joined his dad's lease this year and it's right near his parents' house so he goes and spends time with his family whenever they're done hunting. Yesterday, his mom and sisters were there. He said it was really hard keeping a straight face when they were talking about how upset I am and about our next steps.
I feel sooo bad fibbing to everyone. At least with my parents, I just said I got "bad news and needed a hug from my mommy." In my head, I said my "bad news" is not being able to have a beer for the next 9 months. So technically I'm not lying. Jason, on the other hand, is straight up lying. I'm pretty sure everyone will forgive our transgressions once we give them the news.
We're celebrating Christmas with Jason's family this Friday so we're going to tell my family and his this weekend. I know this is early for some people, but we're both very close to our families so if something bad did happen, we would tell them anyway. At least this way, we get to experience this joy with the people we care about most. And if, God-forbid, we lose the baby, we know we'll have the biggest support system to be there for us.
We're either going to wrap up a "shoes" picture with the whole "our family is growing by 2 feet" thing or we're going to take a picture of our pups saying "Baby T's Future Guard Dogs- Reporting for Duty 8/24/2013" or we'll give them the "Worth the Wait" onesies if I can find some more.
After we tell them, I'll be posting these.
I've been going slightly crazy the last couple days. I spent hours yesterday cleaning our bathroom. It was gross. You don't really notice until you're down on your hands and knees scrubbing like a madwoman but...eww.
I had really bad feelings yesterday. I was crampy all throughout the day and so, of course, I was fearing the worst. Had I gotten pregnant early on, I could've been one of those naive, blissfully ignorant woman that think nothing will happen to them. Unfortunately, I've seen too many woman have very unhappy endings to their happy news. So I'm a little (a lot) nervous about what could happen.
That being said, I went and bought more FRERs after church today so I could compare lines. Today's is darker than the one I took Friday so that makes me feel a little better. I go tomorrow for a follow-up beta so of it doubles properly, it'll put my mind at ease...for a few minutes anyway.
Jason went hunting yesterday. He joined his dad's lease this year and it's right near his parents' house so he goes and spends time with his family whenever they're done hunting. Yesterday, his mom and sisters were there. He said it was really hard keeping a straight face when they were talking about how upset I am and about our next steps.
I feel sooo bad fibbing to everyone. At least with my parents, I just said I got "bad news and needed a hug from my mommy." In my head, I said my "bad news" is not being able to have a beer for the next 9 months. So technically I'm not lying. Jason, on the other hand, is straight up lying. I'm pretty sure everyone will forgive our transgressions once we give them the news.
We're celebrating Christmas with Jason's family this Friday so we're going to tell my family and his this weekend. I know this is early for some people, but we're both very close to our families so if something bad did happen, we would tell them anyway. At least this way, we get to experience this joy with the people we care about most. And if, God-forbid, we lose the baby, we know we'll have the biggest support system to be there for us.
We're either going to wrap up a "shoes" picture with the whole "our family is growing by 2 feet" thing or we're going to take a picture of our pups saying "Baby T's Future Guard Dogs- Reporting for Duty 8/24/2013" or we'll give them the "Worth the Wait" onesies if I can find some more.
After we tell them, I'll be posting these.
12/14/2012 - I'm Pregnant!!!
(This post and the next few to follow were written on the dates listed in the titles. I wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families before posting these.)
I can't believe I'm finally saying that! We've worked so hard to be able to get to this point. It honestly is the best and scariest feeling I've ever had.
After the blood draw, we tried to kill some time and keep us (me) occupied. Jason took me to eat Panda Express for lunch, my favorite, and then to DSW so I could pick out some shoes for Christmas. I was in and out in record-breaking time. He even mentioned how quick and painless it was, which is not the norm for someone with decision-making shortcomings.
When we got back home, we decided to try to catch up on The Walking Dead. Nothing keeps your mind occupied like watching walkers kill and be killed. Zombies are awesome. On tv.
My phone kept blowing up with texts and with every noise, my heart would skip a beat. Finally, around 3pm, it rang.
"RE Office" -- this is it.
The nurse on the other line was Cindy. She's the most senior nurse who's been there from the start of it all for me. Usually, I can tell by the tone in her voice what the outcome of the news is going to be.
But this time, she had a different tone.
I tried to relax as she went through the whole "Sandi? This is Cindy from Dr. Vandermolen's office. I've got your results." Does she sound happier than normal? No, you're probably just imagining that. Breathe, Sandi.
"We've got a great, positive pregnancy test here!" Wait, did she say positive? POSITIVE? As in the opposite of negative?
"Your beta is at 61 which is really good...." I'm pretty sure she said something about continuing the progesterone suppositories but that part was such a blur, I honestly can't remember. I used to always side-eye people when they'd say something like that - how are you not hyper aware of what's being said at such a crucial moment? I get it now.
I did come back to reality for a bit because I remember her asking when I wanted to come in Monday for my repeat. "Early as possible" Breathe, Sandi, breathe. "Earliest I have is 7:45, will that work?" "Yes ma'am." It was at this point in the conversation, that I started to lose it. She noticed and started congratulating me (I think...still fuzzy) and I could barely get out the words "thank you."
As soon as I hung up, I dropped the phone, started bawling, and clawed my way across the couch, over the dogs and blankets, to Jason and threw myself on top of him. We melted into each other, hugging and crying and praying to God thanking Him for blessing us with this child. It was one of the most joyous, precious moments of my life, right up there with the day he asked me to marry him and the day I became his wife. After all we had gone through, we finally did it. The relief and excitement and happiness was almost too much.
It's so funny how things don't ever go how you plan them. Obviously, it wasn't our plan to have it take this long and be this difficult to get pregnant. But even now, I had this grand scheme worked out on how I wanted to tell Jason. He was going to come home from work or wherever, and I'd be in the kitchen cooking, camera already set up in a discreet location to catch his reaction. I'd have something I had "baked" for him in a pan on the stove. He'd open it and inside would be the Duke onesie I bought him over a year ago.
That didn't happen. Instead, he was right beside me, heard everything the nurse said, and we shared that moment, that incredible moment, together. That was the best way.
I did eventually show him the onesie. It's been sitting in my closet, haunting me for all this time. Today, it finally saw light.
I posted to my FB group and they were all so supportive. We've all been through a lot together - infertility, pregnancy, birth, adoption, cancer, death. I can't imagine having to have gone through all this without having this group of 75 ladies. They are all angels to me, and I am so blessed to have them be a part of my life.
After that, I was so excited, I wanted to tell everyone in the world! But we settled on just our parents. I devised this sneaky plan to call my mom all sad and stuff, saying we were going to stop by on the way to Jason's parents' because I needed a hug from my mommy. Jason said I sold that really well, even brought in the water works.
So the plan was to drive to my parents' an hour and a half away, tell them, then drive to Jason's parents' an hour an a half away.
I went to Target to by some pee sticks. Jason didn't understand this since I already had a blood test proving, quantitatively, that I was pregnant. I can't explain it. After all this time, I needed to see those two pink lines. I also bought this adorable set of onesies and bibs while I was there that one of my e-friends posted on FB. It has a turtle and says "Worth the Wait." Soooo true.
When I came home, we loaded up the truck with our bags and dogs and headed east. We usually take my 4-Runner when we go anywhere with the dogs, but Jason needed his truck to hunt tomorrow so we took it. Mistake. Duke was so anxious, it made Jason super anxious, so about 45 minutes into it, we turned around and came home. This one is my fault. I was so excited to tell our parents that I wanted to do it right then, but I didn't think out the logistics. So I may drive down tomorrow or on Sunday and tell them. But we may wait until Christmas too.
I feel terrible though because my family thinks I got really bad news today, and I'm on the brink of depression. I told you I sold it well. My dad got on the phone and gave me his perfect fatherly support. There's just some things daddies know how to say to make their little girls feel all better. And had I truly been sad, he would've made me feel better. And Jason's mom is so upset for us about everything. So now I've got Jason lying to his mom. We're evil.
I can't believe we're actually here. 16 months and 9 days ago, I walked into that clinic for the first time. Today, I'm finally pregnant. We've been through so many trials, so many bad days, so much pain and heartache. Today doesn't erase all of that. But it makes it all worth it. I know we have a very long road ahead of us and this could all be over by Monday. But for today, right now, I am freaking pregnant!! Hallelujah!!
I can't believe I'm finally saying that! We've worked so hard to be able to get to this point. It honestly is the best and scariest feeling I've ever had.
After the blood draw, we tried to kill some time and keep us (me) occupied. Jason took me to eat Panda Express for lunch, my favorite, and then to DSW so I could pick out some shoes for Christmas. I was in and out in record-breaking time. He even mentioned how quick and painless it was, which is not the norm for someone with decision-making shortcomings.
When we got back home, we decided to try to catch up on The Walking Dead. Nothing keeps your mind occupied like watching walkers kill and be killed. Zombies are awesome. On tv.
My phone kept blowing up with texts and with every noise, my heart would skip a beat. Finally, around 3pm, it rang.
"RE Office" -- this is it.
The nurse on the other line was Cindy. She's the most senior nurse who's been there from the start of it all for me. Usually, I can tell by the tone in her voice what the outcome of the news is going to be.
But this time, she had a different tone.
I tried to relax as she went through the whole "Sandi? This is Cindy from Dr. Vandermolen's office. I've got your results." Does she sound happier than normal? No, you're probably just imagining that. Breathe, Sandi.
"We've got a great, positive pregnancy test here!" Wait, did she say positive? POSITIVE? As in the opposite of negative?
"Your beta is at 61 which is really good...." I'm pretty sure she said something about continuing the progesterone suppositories but that part was such a blur, I honestly can't remember. I used to always side-eye people when they'd say something like that - how are you not hyper aware of what's being said at such a crucial moment? I get it now.
I did come back to reality for a bit because I remember her asking when I wanted to come in Monday for my repeat. "Early as possible" Breathe, Sandi, breathe. "Earliest I have is 7:45, will that work?" "Yes ma'am." It was at this point in the conversation, that I started to lose it. She noticed and started congratulating me (I think...still fuzzy) and I could barely get out the words "thank you."
As soon as I hung up, I dropped the phone, started bawling, and clawed my way across the couch, over the dogs and blankets, to Jason and threw myself on top of him. We melted into each other, hugging and crying and praying to God thanking Him for blessing us with this child. It was one of the most joyous, precious moments of my life, right up there with the day he asked me to marry him and the day I became his wife. After all we had gone through, we finally did it. The relief and excitement and happiness was almost too much.
It's so funny how things don't ever go how you plan them. Obviously, it wasn't our plan to have it take this long and be this difficult to get pregnant. But even now, I had this grand scheme worked out on how I wanted to tell Jason. He was going to come home from work or wherever, and I'd be in the kitchen cooking, camera already set up in a discreet location to catch his reaction. I'd have something I had "baked" for him in a pan on the stove. He'd open it and inside would be the Duke onesie I bought him over a year ago.
That didn't happen. Instead, he was right beside me, heard everything the nurse said, and we shared that moment, that incredible moment, together. That was the best way.
I did eventually show him the onesie. It's been sitting in my closet, haunting me for all this time. Today, it finally saw light.
I posted to my FB group and they were all so supportive. We've all been through a lot together - infertility, pregnancy, birth, adoption, cancer, death. I can't imagine having to have gone through all this without having this group of 75 ladies. They are all angels to me, and I am so blessed to have them be a part of my life.
After that, I was so excited, I wanted to tell everyone in the world! But we settled on just our parents. I devised this sneaky plan to call my mom all sad and stuff, saying we were going to stop by on the way to Jason's parents' because I needed a hug from my mommy. Jason said I sold that really well, even brought in the water works.
So the plan was to drive to my parents' an hour and a half away, tell them, then drive to Jason's parents' an hour an a half away.
I went to Target to by some pee sticks. Jason didn't understand this since I already had a blood test proving, quantitatively, that I was pregnant. I can't explain it. After all this time, I needed to see those two pink lines. I also bought this adorable set of onesies and bibs while I was there that one of my e-friends posted on FB. It has a turtle and says "Worth the Wait." Soooo true.
When I came home, we loaded up the truck with our bags and dogs and headed east. We usually take my 4-Runner when we go anywhere with the dogs, but Jason needed his truck to hunt tomorrow so we took it. Mistake. Duke was so anxious, it made Jason super anxious, so about 45 minutes into it, we turned around and came home. This one is my fault. I was so excited to tell our parents that I wanted to do it right then, but I didn't think out the logistics. So I may drive down tomorrow or on Sunday and tell them. But we may wait until Christmas too.
I feel terrible though because my family thinks I got really bad news today, and I'm on the brink of depression. I told you I sold it well. My dad got on the phone and gave me his perfect fatherly support. There's just some things daddies know how to say to make their little girls feel all better. And had I truly been sad, he would've made me feel better. And Jason's mom is so upset for us about everything. So now I've got Jason lying to his mom. We're evil.
I can't believe we're actually here. 16 months and 9 days ago, I walked into that clinic for the first time. Today, I'm finally pregnant. We've been through so many trials, so many bad days, so much pain and heartache. Today doesn't erase all of that. But it makes it all worth it. I know we have a very long road ahead of us and this could all be over by Monday. But for today, right now, I am freaking pregnant!! Hallelujah!!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Now we wait
The wait is on. This is the first time in 16 months of treatment where I have no clue what they're going to say when they call with my beta. It's a weird feeling.
I woke up this morning (late, of course) to cramps and unsore, unswollen boobs. Not a good sign. So my previous optimism is dwindling, but truth be told, I'm still holding on to it.
Of course, people in this city don't know how to drive and there was yet another wreck on the interstate, making me 10 minutes late, which in turn made me 10 minutes late for my 10:30 appointment. Not a good start, especially for someone who may or may not have road rage issues.
I should get the call in the next 2-5 hours. Jason and I are going to do a little Christmas shopping so I'm hoping the time passes quickly. Fingers crossed!!
I woke up this morning (late, of course) to cramps and unsore, unswollen boobs. Not a good sign. So my previous optimism is dwindling, but truth be told, I'm still holding on to it.
Of course, people in this city don't know how to drive and there was yet another wreck on the interstate, making me 10 minutes late, which in turn made me 10 minutes late for my 10:30 appointment. Not a good start, especially for someone who may or may not have road rage issues.
I should get the call in the next 2-5 hours. Jason and I are going to do a little Christmas shopping so I'm hoping the time passes quickly. Fingers crossed!!
Countdown is on!
T-9 hours and counting!
It's almost 1am Friday morning. Today's the day. Today I either get the news I've waited for for over 2 years or I get the same news I've gotten month after month.
I’m off work today so I got a 10am appointment rather than my usual 7:30am. In my logical brain, that means I won’t have to wait as long for the results. At least I can try to sleep in.
I have another doctor’s appointment with my PCP at 10:30. It’s for lower back/left hip pain I’ve had for quite a while. They’ve tried shots and pain meds, which work for a little while, but never for long so the next step is probably an MRI.
It's almost 1am Friday morning. Today's the day. Today I either get the news I've waited for for over 2 years or I get the same news I've gotten month after month.
I’m off work today so I got a 10am appointment rather than my usual 7:30am. In my logical brain, that means I won’t have to wait as long for the results. At least I can try to sleep in.
I have another doctor’s appointment with my PCP at 10:30. It’s for lower back/left hip pain I’ve had for quite a while. They’ve tried shots and pain meds, which work for a little while, but never for long so the next step is probably an MRI.
The bad thing is, they want you to PIAC for anything lower back related. I REFUSE! I'm tempted to PIAC with FMU and leave it in the bathroom until I get back to test. I'm a tad bit insane.
I have been having more symptoms than I’ve ever had, which is still only a couple. Even on progesterone, I’ve never gotten sore boobs or anything. This time I’ve got sore and swollen boobs, cramps, and I drank half a Dr. Pepper.
Ok, let me explain that last one. I hate Dr. Pepper. It usually tastes like cough syrup and makes me want to gag. I ordered a Rootbeer but they gave me DP and I was like, hey this isn’t bad. So I drank it until I realized the whole reason I wanted a RB was to avoid caffeine. Okay, maybe I’m reaching on that one.
Jason is the optimist in our family. I’m definitely a pessimist (I like to say realist but I’m sure it’s full blown pessimism). I know the odds are not in our favor this month but I am chock full of optimism. It’s super scary knowing it could and probably will all come crashing down later today.
Which reminds me. My lovely, wonderful, compassionate husband planned to go hunting today at his lease over an hour away, leaving early this morning and coming back Saturday. Normally, I’d be fine. He’s left me nearly every weekend during hunting season.
But today is beta. Today I’m either going to be ecstatic or a complete wreck. And he’s going hunting? Is this not important to him at all? I know it is but that's how it makes me feel.
At first I thought he just didn’t remember my beta was Friday. I was more okay with that because then it's not like he's blatantly skipping out. But then he made a comment that proved he did know when my beta was and they he knew he’d be gone for it. And that pissed me off.
So I said something along the lines of “you don’t think you should be here for this?” He said, in his playful manner, “I don’t really neeeeed to be, huh?” So I calmly said that I'm either getting really good news or really bad news. “Just think about it.” That was my way of saying please put yourself in my shoes and be here for your wife when she’ll be at her lowest or at her highest. He took a shower and came back and said I was right and he needed to be here.
We're compromising. I won't get the results until later this afternoon so he's hunting this morning, coming home, then he'll go back. All the times before this, I've tested leading up to my beta so it was almost a progression of sadness. This will come all at once (preferred) so I'm really glad he'll be here to comfort me if it's bad news. Here's to hoping it's not.
I have been having more symptoms than I’ve ever had, which is still only a couple. Even on progesterone, I’ve never gotten sore boobs or anything. This time I’ve got sore and swollen boobs, cramps, and I drank half a Dr. Pepper.
Ok, let me explain that last one. I hate Dr. Pepper. It usually tastes like cough syrup and makes me want to gag. I ordered a Rootbeer but they gave me DP and I was like, hey this isn’t bad. So I drank it until I realized the whole reason I wanted a RB was to avoid caffeine. Okay, maybe I’m reaching on that one.
Jason is the optimist in our family. I’m definitely a pessimist (I like to say realist but I’m sure it’s full blown pessimism). I know the odds are not in our favor this month but I am chock full of optimism. It’s super scary knowing it could and probably will all come crashing down later today.
Which reminds me. My lovely, wonderful, compassionate husband planned to go hunting today at his lease over an hour away, leaving early this morning and coming back Saturday. Normally, I’d be fine. He’s left me nearly every weekend during hunting season.
But today is beta. Today I’m either going to be ecstatic or a complete wreck. And he’s going hunting? Is this not important to him at all? I know it is but that's how it makes me feel.
At first I thought he just didn’t remember my beta was Friday. I was more okay with that because then it's not like he's blatantly skipping out. But then he made a comment that proved he did know when my beta was and they he knew he’d be gone for it. And that pissed me off.
So I said something along the lines of “you don’t think you should be here for this?” He said, in his playful manner, “I don’t really neeeeed to be, huh?” So I calmly said that I'm either getting really good news or really bad news. “Just think about it.” That was my way of saying please put yourself in my shoes and be here for your wife when she’ll be at her lowest or at her highest. He took a shower and came back and said I was right and he needed to be here.
We're compromising. I won't get the results until later this afternoon so he's hunting this morning, coming home, then he'll go back. All the times before this, I've tested leading up to my beta so it was almost a progression of sadness. This will come all at once (preferred) so I'm really glad he'll be here to comfort me if it's bad news. Here's to hoping it's not.
Monday, December 10, 2012
9dpo already??
This 2ww is moving right along. I don’t know if it’s the relief I feel that's keeping me from being so flippin’ obsessed or what, but I can’t believe there are only a few days left. And I’ve had ZERO desire to POAS. That is a monumental breakthrough for my addiction.
I’ve been feeling twinges in my lower belly. Not really cramps, but specific, sharp pains. They only last for a second but they’re painful and often enough to notice. I’ve had some on my right side, some on my left, and some in the middle so it’s random.
For whatever reason, I’m terrified if I do get pregnant, it’ll be ectopic so every sharp pain on either side, I have a split-second panic attack, even though I know it’s still too early even if it is ectopic.
I also went today to get a disc of my HSG photos. Drove to the hospital, waited, got the disc, took it back to work, put it in my computer…..nothing. 702mb free of 702mb. There was nothing on it.
Skip ahead: I got the disc and viola! Pictures!! To my untrained eye, my left tube looks great but my right tube looks like it has a kink in it where the dye pools. It still flows into my ovary so it may be nothing, but I'm anxious to see what Dr. S says. Sending it off in the morning.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
So this is what hope feels like?
A lot has happened since I last posted so this will probably
get long.
I’ve wrote so many entries and emailed them to myself so I could upload them at home, only to forget and never upload them. They’re just sitting in my inbox, outdated and irrelevant.
6dpIUI today and I’m FINALLY starting to feel a bit better. I’ve been in pretty decent pain the last several days. I only had 17 follicles so it wasn’t OHSS, but it was uncomfortable nonetheless. Heaviness, pressure, gained about 5lbs in 3 days, when I peed it felt like as my bladder was emptying, a noose was tightening around my uterus. Not UTI-ish, I’ve had those, this was definitely ute-related.
It’s been much better the last couple days. The smallest bit of gas is still sending remarkably painful shockwaves through my belly but other than that, it’s manageable. I never called my doctor because, frankly, I never want to go back to that clinic for check-ups or monitoring.
But I haven’t told y’all about that yet, have I? I did, but it’s one of those phantom entries that never got posted.
As we were sitting in the clinic’s parking lot, downing chicken biscuits, waiting for Jason’s sample to be prepped for the IUI (131mil post wash!), it seems my husband had a bit of a revelation. He’s fed up with the clinic. He’s fed up with Dr. V. And we’re done.
Oh happy day!!
We’ve had problems with the clinic since we first started going. I’ve been wanting to get a 2nd opinion for quite some time but the next closest doctor is over 3 hours away. I couldn’t justify that drive, especially if Jason wasn’t fully on-board. But I think this last screw up with me over-stimming and the crapola with the meds sent him over his limit.
With that decision being made, it felt so good sitting in the waiting room knowing this was the last time I’d be there for anything more than a blood draw. Even the two couples on the other end of the room talking ever-so-loudly about Star Wars and Tesla didn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I’m a nerd and could’ve easily joined in the conversation.
So we scheduled a phone consult with Dr. S in Dallas. Two ladies in my IRL support group have gotten pregnant with him and they highly recommended him.
The consult was yesterday and it honestly could not have gone better. I was in near tears by the end of the conversation because I felt so much more hopeful in that half hour we spent talking with him than I ever have with Dr. V. Even Jason has commented more than once about how well it went.
He had already looked over all my charts and knew my history. He confirmed that we are in the Unexplained category since my PCOS is "corrected" now that the meds make me ovulate.
He basically told me I'm wasting money with injects and IUI because I responded fine to oral meds and Jason's counts are incredible so there's no reason for those. He's having a NK cell assay run and I'm sending him a copy of my HSG photos so he can make sure nothing was missed there.
We brought up our religious concerns about IVF and he was very sensitive to that. He offered an option that Jason is completely comfortable with so we still have that avenue to explore when we're ready! He made sure to make us aware that it's all about when WE feel comfortable moving to that step.
I'm almost in tears again writing that. I honestly thought this was the end of the road for us. Jason and I had a huge discussion about everything a couple nights ago and he was worried I was obsessing too much over everything and it was dominating my life. He said he could see in my eyes that I felt defeated.
I did feel defeated. I was obsessing. I thought this was it for us and it was eating me up. We would've moved on to adoption and truth be told, we still may, and I'm okay with that. But I still had, I still have, a strong desire to have a biological child. Now we can keep trying.
Hope is a powerful thing.
I’ve wrote so many entries and emailed them to myself so I could upload them at home, only to forget and never upload them. They’re just sitting in my inbox, outdated and irrelevant.
6dpIUI today and I’m FINALLY starting to feel a bit better. I’ve been in pretty decent pain the last several days. I only had 17 follicles so it wasn’t OHSS, but it was uncomfortable nonetheless. Heaviness, pressure, gained about 5lbs in 3 days, when I peed it felt like as my bladder was emptying, a noose was tightening around my uterus. Not UTI-ish, I’ve had those, this was definitely ute-related.
It’s been much better the last couple days. The smallest bit of gas is still sending remarkably painful shockwaves through my belly but other than that, it’s manageable. I never called my doctor because, frankly, I never want to go back to that clinic for check-ups or monitoring.
But I haven’t told y’all about that yet, have I? I did, but it’s one of those phantom entries that never got posted.
As we were sitting in the clinic’s parking lot, downing chicken biscuits, waiting for Jason’s sample to be prepped for the IUI (131mil post wash!), it seems my husband had a bit of a revelation. He’s fed up with the clinic. He’s fed up with Dr. V. And we’re done.
Oh happy day!!
We’ve had problems with the clinic since we first started going. I’ve been wanting to get a 2nd opinion for quite some time but the next closest doctor is over 3 hours away. I couldn’t justify that drive, especially if Jason wasn’t fully on-board. But I think this last screw up with me over-stimming and the crapola with the meds sent him over his limit.
With that decision being made, it felt so good sitting in the waiting room knowing this was the last time I’d be there for anything more than a blood draw. Even the two couples on the other end of the room talking ever-so-loudly about Star Wars and Tesla didn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I’m a nerd and could’ve easily joined in the conversation.
So we scheduled a phone consult with Dr. S in Dallas. Two ladies in my IRL support group have gotten pregnant with him and they highly recommended him.
The consult was yesterday and it honestly could not have gone better. I was in near tears by the end of the conversation because I felt so much more hopeful in that half hour we spent talking with him than I ever have with Dr. V. Even Jason has commented more than once about how well it went.
He had already looked over all my charts and knew my history. He confirmed that we are in the Unexplained category since my PCOS is "corrected" now that the meds make me ovulate.
He basically told me I'm wasting money with injects and IUI because I responded fine to oral meds and Jason's counts are incredible so there's no reason for those. He's having a NK cell assay run and I'm sending him a copy of my HSG photos so he can make sure nothing was missed there.
We brought up our religious concerns about IVF and he was very sensitive to that. He offered an option that Jason is completely comfortable with so we still have that avenue to explore when we're ready! He made sure to make us aware that it's all about when WE feel comfortable moving to that step.
I'm almost in tears again writing that. I honestly thought this was the end of the road for us. Jason and I had a huge discussion about everything a couple nights ago and he was worried I was obsessing too much over everything and it was dominating my life. He said he could see in my eyes that I felt defeated.
I did feel defeated. I was obsessing. I thought this was it for us and it was eating me up. We would've moved on to adoption and truth be told, we still may, and I'm okay with that. But I still had, I still have, a strong desire to have a biological child. Now we can keep trying.
Hope is a powerful thing.
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