About those follicles.

They are some estrogen producing machines!

Let’s talk estrogen (E2). You can expect your E2 to be at least 200 for every mature follicle with immature ones giving off less. Last cycle I had a great 19mm and a few smaller ones. My E2 was around 350. Sounds about right.

Today my E2 was 1804!

I’m freaking out just a bit. I know that doesn’t mean I have 9 mature follicles. Dr. V thinks I have 3 with potential. I specifically remember my largest one being 16.5, which is technically immature, so I wasn’t expecting to trigger yet, but since I have so many and my E2 is on up there, he wants me to trigger tonight. The trigger will give them all a little bit of a boost so all 3 could possible mature by the time the IUI rolls around.

IUI #5 is Saturday. He gave me a 15% chance of twins and a 4% chance of high-order multiples (3+). I truly don’t think all 3 will catch up so I’m not worried. Even if they do, I don't have the best success rates IRregardless. (I secretly mock anyone who says "irregardless" in seriousness. It's "regardless," people.)

I’m a little frustrated because we changed my trigger from hCG to Lupron after discovering I’m a slow hCG metabolizer, but today he wants me to use the hCG. Says he can control things better with it, whatever that means. 

But I’m pissed because when I called my specialty pharmacy to reorder meds, they told me my refill for Lupron wasn’t due yet. So at my monitoring appointment 3 days ago, I relayed that info to my nurse and said if all else fails, I can just order the hCG knowing it’ll give me false positives. She specifically said no, I had to order Lupron, even if it meant paying out of pocket for it. Luckily, by then the refill was due and I only had to pay my $110 co-pay. 

NOW because my doc decides to change the plan all willy-nilly like, I have to pay $200 at a local compound pharmacy instead of the usual $60. So that’s $310 for something that should have only cost me $60.

I don't care about the money. But he knew I had 17 follicles on CD6 and that there was a chance this would happen. If he's not comfortable doing the Lupron with a lot of follicles, don't make me order it. If there's a chance he'd switch and do hCG, just have me do the hCG from the get-go knowing it takes longer to get out of my system so if my beta comes back at 2, we know it's the trigger. It's not rocket science.

Follicles for everyone!

Anyone need spare follicles? Because I haz em.

Today’s CD10 monitoring showed that I still have an unsettling amount. If this was an IVF cycle, it’d be great. Not so much for IUI. We were hoping a few would jump out as front-runners but, as of now, it seems like there are just way too many to safely continue (my unprofessional opinion).

My largest was still only 16.5 and there were a couple 14-15s, so there’s still time for those to beef up, but trailing right behind were several 10-11s so I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

My nurse did mention Ganirelix (::cry::) so maybe they’ll try to slow things down a bit and give the larger ones time to sprout.

I’d love 3 nice follicles. Every month we only have 1 large enough to stand a chance. If we could get 3, that’s 3x’s more of a chance and if I do have egg quality issues (which I figure I do but can’t confirm without doing IVF), the chance of all 3 being bad is less than the chance of just 1 being bad.

Great, now I’m starting to get unreasonably hopeful.

Just waiting for the call on what our next steps will be. I don’t think they’ll cancel me today, but if things keep progressing evenly like this, I don’t see them allowing me to continue.

Waiting for the call

It’s D-day. The vamps have taken my blood and now I’m just waiting for the call with the sad, sympathetic tone on the other end as the nurse tells me it’s negative.

I’ve actually never gotten that call right off the bat. I’ve always gotten the “it’s positive but it’s very low. Keep doing your progesterone and come back in 2 days” call. 

At least this way it’s over quickly. Rip off that bandaid or that gawdawful tape they use and move it along.

***********************************

It’s 2:30pm and they just called. As we already knew, it was negative. I shed all my tears a few days ago so I’m okay.

Onward to the next cycle.

I’ve been having sharp pains in my lower abdomen for the past couple days so I’m hoping my cysts haven’t returned. I haven’t taken my progesterone since Saturday night (what was the point?) so I’m hoping CD1 comes soon. If not, probably looking at cysts. Who doesn’t love being on their period during Thanksgiving??

One thing I'm absolutely changing about next cycle...no testing until 12-13dpo. Testing early is just not working out for me. I get upset every time I see a negative and I still stress and obsess over whether or not it was too early and if tomorrow’s test will be positive. It’s a waste of energy and I’m done with it.

Side Note: While we were at Westminster Abbey, I lit a candle and prayed for God to bless us with a child. I’m not Catholic, it’s not really Baptists’ thing, but I’ve always loved the symbolism in that action. In that moment, standing in that Abbey that has seen so much history, I felt peace and a true connection to Our Creator. It was a special time of pause for me. Even though it didn’t work out this cycle, I know God will answer our prayers and provide us with a child. Maybe not a biological child, but a child He’s chosen for us, and a child for which we were chosen.

Apologies

I need to apologize. I lied to you. Don't feel too bad, I lied to myself too. I said I'd hold out until at least Saturday. But I didn't. I tested early. Truth is, I'm an addict and needed my fix.

I'm sorry!!

Joke's on me though because it was negative.

Sure, I'm only 11dpo and things could change, but I'm a realist and I know better. That's one of my pet peeves with support communities. Sometimes, they just say what you want to hear. I'm sure some people like that, but I'd take honesty over a smoke-filled skirt any day.

I wrote this huge, long, angry, tearful post that I'm just not sure I'm ready to share yet. So stay tuned for that awesomeness.

For now, I'm going to try to enjoy my weekend with Jason. We're scheduled for a long chat to see where we want to go from here. Why does this have to be so hard?

8dpo: Mixed Emotions

I haz em.

I'm so torn right now. I find myself wishing this 2ww was already over and I could know my beta...but then I freak out and say I never want to know because if it's negative, I just don't want to face that again. It's Schrödinger’s cat....IF style.

I'm still debating on when/if I'll test at home. Every time I've sat in that dreaded chair for my betas, I already knew the answer. It's such a depressing action. Sitting there, knowing it didn't work, but sitting there nonetheless.

I guess the main question is, would I rather know the results and deal with them at home with my husband to hold me while I break down or find out bad news over the phone at work where I’ll inevitably have to go to my boss sobbing and try to coherently ask for the rest of the day off? I seem super optimistic, huh?

For whatever reason, even though I’ve always tested in the past and have known it was going to be bad news, getting that call wrecks me. Every time. But I can’t imagine actually not knowing and getting that call. Would it be worse? Could it be worse?

Who am I kidding? I’ll test. Maybe not until Sunday. Saturday at the earliest. Not Friday. Friday’s too early, Sandi.

It doesn’t help that Jason is gone all this week for business. As if this week wasn’t going to drag on enough, now I don’t even have a husband at the house to distract me.

By this time next week I’ll know one way or the other. I wish it would hurry and get here…but not really.

CD10 / O Day: IUI #4

IUI #4 is done. These wait times are getting really ridiculous. Jason got done with his part around 8:45 and they told us to be back by 9:30, which we were, but the IUI didn’t happen until 11! I was freaking out a bit on the inside.

The sample was great, as usual. 84 million post-wash. I let the new nurse who’s training do the IUI. She’s nice and seems really smart so I figured she’s gotta learn somehow. Why not on a pro like me?! She’s also big belly pregnant which isn’t the easiest thing to see when you’re a hormonal mess, but preggos are everywhere. Wudayagunado?

She did a good job but she went a little too far and hit the back of my uterus with the catheter. Cramp city. Even now, after 5 hours. Ouch. Could be worse though.

As I was laying tilted back on the table after it was all over, my wonderful partner in life decides to set the mood with some romantic "conception" music. Next thing I know, I hear “I just had sex and it felt so good. A woman let me put my penis inside of her.” A modern-day Casanova, I tell ya. But come on, what girl doesn’t love The Lonely Island??

Good thing I’m such a research freak because they were going to have me come back in 7 days for a P4 check like normal, but I’ve read with Lupron you want to supplement your progesterone early so I asked about coming in early and she said “Oh, that’s right! Good thing you asked!” Educate yourselves, people.

Looks like beta will be on 11/19, the Monday before Thanksgiving. Should make for a great or horrible holiday. I’ve only got 1 pee stick in the house and I’m going to try to hold out until the morning of beta. At least I’ll know if I do happen to see a 2nd line, it’s definitely not the trigger. This will be the first time I've ever not peed on things like a mad woman. I'm actually getting anxious just thinking about not testing. Off to my POAS Anonymous meeting!

CD9: Moving right along

This cycle is moving a lot faster than my other cycles, and even they were fast by normal standards.

I went in yesterday for CD8 u/s and b/w. Waited for OVER 2 HOURS!! Definitely not how I wanted to spend my Saturday morning. I kept trying to tell myself that my clinic is under-staffed, Stephanie was gone so only Dr. V was there to do IUIs (which is what everyone besides me was there for), and those are much more time-sensitive than my measly monitoring appointment. But still. An over 2 hour wait for a literally 5 minute scan was absurd.

He just checked my lining (8.6...meh) and went straight for the big guy. Didn't even bother measuring the smaller ones. There was a 21x17 (19mm) on the left so I was ready to go.

He instructed me how I should do the Lupron trigger. With hCG it's just one shot about 36 hours before the IUI. With Lupron, you do 0.8cc 36 hours before IUI, then another 0.8cc 12 hours later. Since time was changing for DST, it was an adventure trying to figure out when I'd need to do the shots.

Luckily, when I got home, my Lupron was waiting for me at the front door. Being the middle man between the clinic and the specialty pharmacy this week was a bit of a nightmare. But I got it so that's all that matters.

Except the Lupron only comes with 0.5cc syringes. And I needed 0.8cc. So that means 2 shots each time. How about no. Remedy: Used leftover Menopur syringes that were 1.0cc. I'm such a problem solver.

Lupron is officially #2 on my "Shots that are mean" list. Similar to Ganirelix in that it turned red and itched for about 30 minutes after but it didn't burn going in so Gani is still the biggest meanie head in Infertility Land.

Typically, shots in our household go like this. I get everything prepped and ready on the kitchen counter, then while I'm doing my shot, Jason will grab a napkin so I can wipe any blood away. When I'm done and cleaning up my bobo, he'll put the needles in the sharps container and throw all the packaging and remnants away.

Well, after he had cleaned up after last night's shot, I noticed the vial of Lupron was gone. The vial I needed for the next shot in 12 hours. So I asked him where it was. Yeh, he'd thrown it away. In the trash. Right next to the over-ripened bananas. I love that man.

IUI #4 (ugh) is tomorrow morning at 8:30. I'm really hoping one of the many changes we've made this cycle will do the trick. I guess we'll find out in 2 weeks!

CD7: Back in Action

I guess it’s time I write another one of these. What…3 months since my last one. That’s about right.

Truth be told, a whole lot has happened…and nothing has happened.

IUI #3 was thought to be another chemical. That would have made 5. Jason and I had agreed that if it was a bust, we’d take a much-needed break, go on a big, fancy vacation, and start again in a couple months. So that’s what we did!

However, before we did that, we had a sit down with Dr. V.

His recommendation: IVF

My response: Ain’t happenin’. (Then we had a sit down with our preacher just to see if there was any wiggle room. Nope? Yeh, didn’t think so.) Ain’t happenin’.

During our meeting with the doc, I brought up a few concerns. One being the possibility that I was just a slow hCG metabolizer and my chemicals weren’t really chemicals at all but traces of the trigger shot. He said he’d never seen a trigger stay in someone’s system that long, but while we were on a break, I could do a test run. He also agreed to switch me from Menopur to Follistim, and he tested for Celiac’s Disease, which came back clean.

For the hCG progression check, I triggered one random day (then got a natural period the next day which hasn’t happened in YEARS), then had betas every other day starting at 10dpt until the trigger was gone. For the average person, it should have been gone by 10dpt. It took until 18dpt. Turns out, I was right. I’m a very slow hCG metabolizer. 

So that means all my supposed chemicals were just my trigger. I’ve never been pregnant. I’m officially in the “Unexplained” category.

This was both good and bad to hear.

It was so frustrating, month after month, knowing something had to be wrong, something in my body was attacking the embryo, but having our RPL and karyotype testing come back normal. What’s going wrong? What’s killing the embryo? What tests aren’t we doing?

Now, we’re faced with a new scenario. It never worked. My body didn’t kill the embryo. There never was an embryo.

It’s comforting in a weird way. I mean, there are still questions that can’t be answered, normal questions that come with being Unexplained, and the end result is the same. We’re still childless. But I’d rather be childless without having had 5 miscarriages, without feeling like my body would never allow a baby to live, if that makes sense.

So we took a couple months off. Went to England and Scotland. Had such an amazing time! It was so nice to have something to focus on other than IF. I didn’t realize how much it had consumed me until I stepped away from it. I felt like I had gotten a little bit of me back. Every conversation I had with Jason wasn’t about injections or follicle size. We were able to get back to where we were before we were this.

In fact, the thought of diving back in when we got home was…scary. I was hesitant even. I didn't want to go back down that road and end up in the same place I had been. I'm resolved not to this time. 

As scary as it may be, it’s exciting too. We both have renewed hope. Jason even said right before we left for the UK that he was so glad to have had a break, but he was ready to get back to trying again. And he said he could hear the hope was back in my voice. What can I say…as soon as the wheels touched down, I reverted to a naïve newb. 

I went in a few days ago for baseline and even my ovaries were thankful for the break – no cysts at all! Not even a small one. That was a first!  

I've been on 100IU of Follistim for 5 days now. Today's monitoring appointment showed several follicles. A scary amount, really. But there were 1 or 2 that were a bit larger than the rest so I'm hoping those take over. I go back in tomorrow for another scan, which is a little unsettling because I've never gone in on back to back days like this. I'm hoping the doc isn't worried.

When/if the time comes, we'll be doing a Lupron trigger. It’s normally used in IVF prior to starting stims or as a trigger when OHSS is a concern, but since my body loves to hoard hCG, Dr. V wanted to give it a go. Works for me!  

I truly am going to try to keep this more updated, just for my own sanity. If only Blogger wasn't blocked at work!!