Deja vu all over again

Another cycle down. Another negative in the books. This one is harder than the rest. It’s crushed me. I can’t even say why really. I wasn’t overly hopeful, but I guess in my heart I just felt like this was it. I had a peace about it, even with no real reason to believe it should turn out any differently.

At 10dpo/12dpt, there was still a noticeable line from the trigger. At 11dpo/13dpt the 2^nd line was so faint, only a trained infertile could pick it up. I just had this feeling that the 2^nd line would never go away, I’d go from trigger to BFP, so when it did, I lost it. I knew it was over. I cried at home, I cried on my way to work, I cried at work, I cried on the way home from work (to my credit, the one song that makes me cry every single time I hear it came on – Praise You In This Storm – Thanks, God!). That was Tuesday. That was my low point.

At 12dpo, the line was back. Darker but still very light. I took another test that evening and it was nearly identical to the morning test. What’s that? Oh, just a speck of hope mixed with BSC. 

Yesterday morning, 13dpo, I took a FRER and a cheapie. The FRER was stark white and the cheapie’s line was lighter than the day before. So the speck of hope I had is gone leaving behind only BSC.

I still had to go in for my beta today even though I knew what they were going to say. I really hate this part - sitting in that chair on the verge on tears knowing there's no hope. And of course this...

Nurse: So did you test?!

Me: Yep.

Nurse: And????

Me: Nope.

Nurse: Well, you never know!

Really? You think after sitting in that same chair getting that same test under the same circumstances time after time that I would believe that today is going to turn out any differently? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m sitting at a 3 and they call it a low positive and tell me to continue my supps and come back in two days. I hate that about my clinic. I mean, seriously. Has anyone ever gotten a 3 at 14dpo and gone on to have a successful pregnancy? The odds are not ever in my favor. In fact, most clinics don’t consider it a true positive unless it’s over 5. Not my clinic. They love drawing out the oh-so-pleasant experience for as long as possible. If it is a low “positive,” I’m going to ask if I can forgo the supps and the 2^nd beta and they can just run a beta on me during my CD2 baseline. I’m not in the mood for games.

I just wish it got easier. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. My family, Jason’s family, Jason. My grandparents, God bless them, are so sweet. They always ask me how things are going and if I have any news. It breaks my heart having to tell them it didn’t work. Neither of them is going to be here much longer and I would so love for my children to be able to meet the people who raised me. Even if they won’t remember meeting them. I’d still be able to get a picture and show them when they got older. “These are your great grandparents. Levi, you were named after your Great Grandpa. Emory, you were named after your Great Grandma. They loved you so much.” 

I know no one thinks I’m letting them down. I just can’t but feel like I’m keeping something from them. Like I’m making them miss out on something. I even told Jason that one day, he’d come home from work and find some of my stuff gone and divorce papers on the kitchen counter with a note telling him to find someone who could make him a father. I love my husband so much and I’m so lucky to be his wife, but not being able to give him kids hurts worse than not being able to give me kids. My family already has grand/great-grand kids. Jason’s does too. So they at least have had that experience. Jason will never have kids unless I do. That is the worst part. He’s so deserving of being a dad and he’s going to make such a great one, I can’t be the one to take that away from him. 

Of course, I would never actually do that. I’m too selfish and need him too much. If treatments fail, we will be more than happy to pursue adoption. Our child is out there somewhere. Whether I grow him in my belly or someone else does, we will be parents one day. 

God, please give me the strength to walk this path. At times I feel weaker than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I know you are always beside me. I know your timing is perfect and you will provide in your way and in your time. Please give me the peace and understanding to truly accept that and forgive me when I doubt. Guide me in your way and give me courage to follow the path you set before me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.