8dpo: Mixed Emotions

I haz em.

I'm so torn right now. I find myself wishing this 2ww was already over and I could know my beta...but then I freak out and say I never want to know because if it's negative, I just don't want to face that again. It's Schrödinger’s cat....IF style.

I'm still debating on when/if I'll test at home. Every time I've sat in that dreaded chair for my betas, I already knew the answer. It's such a depressing action. Sitting there, knowing it didn't work, but sitting there nonetheless.

I guess the main question is, would I rather know the results and deal with them at home with my husband to hold me while I break down or find out bad news over the phone at work where I’ll inevitably have to go to my boss sobbing and try to coherently ask for the rest of the day off? I seem super optimistic, huh?

For whatever reason, even though I’ve always tested in the past and have known it was going to be bad news, getting that call wrecks me. Every time. But I can’t imagine actually not knowing and getting that call. Would it be worse? Could it be worse?

Who am I kidding? I’ll test. Maybe not until Sunday. Saturday at the earliest. Not Friday. Friday’s too early, Sandi.

It doesn’t help that Jason is gone all this week for business. As if this week wasn’t going to drag on enough, now I don’t even have a husband at the house to distract me.

By this time next week I’ll know one way or the other. I wish it would hurry and get here…but not really.