12/22/2012 - 5 weeks

(This post was written on the date listed in the title. I wanted to wait until we were able to share the news with our families before posting these.)

When I got the call Wednesday, I was devastated. From 156 to 223 meant a doubling time in the 93hr range. Normal is 48-72 hours. Not good. Dr. V wanted me to stay on the meds and come back Saturday (today) for an ultrasound and repeat beta.

I left work and willed myself to hold it together until I made it to my car. "Make it to your car, Sandi. Don't lose it. You can make it to your car."

I didn't even call Jason because I was afraid I'd become too upset to drive. So I drove home and told him the news. It was not a fun night. I'm pretty sure I checked out emotionally for a while. It's kind of what I do.

I took off work Thursday because I knew I couldn't sit at that desk for 9 hours. I'd go insane. So instead I went Christmas shopping for our families, namely our nieces. Big mistake. I don't know what made me think I could handle shopping for toddlers the day after getting that news. As if I don't stress about Christmas shopping enough. I called Jason and broke down in one of the few deserted aisles at Target. Luckily, I pulled myself together, got everything I needed, and got the heck out of there.

Friday we had Christmas with Jason's family. This would have been when we told his family, but since we were looking at a probable miscarriage, we decided to hold off on sharing that happy news.

His sister is due in 4 months, and I honestly thought it was going to be hard on me after getting the news, but it wasn't at all. I'm actually really excited for her and can't wait to go crazy buying stuff for her and the baby. I got so lucky in the in-law department and love them all so much. It also helped that Jason's niece was there and she is the most adorable girl in the world. She made a point to sit by me at supper, even after I had to switch seats, she moved her stool right by mine. Silly little things like that make my heart soar.

That brings up to today. We had a follow-up beta along with an ultrasound. Oddly, I wasn't super nervous. I haven't been nervous or overly pessimistic this whole cycle, not to my standards anyway. I went back for my blood draw and asked the nurse if they could even see anything this early. She said sometimes they can see a sac, we'll just have to wait and see.

After a few more minutes waiting in the lobby, we got called back into a room. Dr. V came in quickly and got to looking.

And there it was.

A teeny tiny perfectly round sac. In all my research, I've never gone beyond diagnoses and treatments. I don't know what to expect on this side of things. I'm in foreign territory so I have no clue if it's a good size sac or if it's small or what.

Dr. V checked my ovaries to see if maybe there was an ectopic in the tubes. No signs. I did have some CL cysts which explain the pains I've been having in my sides.

He said at this point, the sac looks good with a good placental layer (maybe he didn't say layer...but good placental something). He also said he was encouraged because coming into the appointment, he didn't think he'd see anything with my betas as low as they were and since we did see something, we'll probably get a decent increase in our beta today.

Jason had to straight up ask him if this was a good thing since he "couldn't get a read on you, doc." Dr. V said it was encouraging and to remain cautiously optimistic. The nurse gave us two pictures of our tiny sac and we are already in love. Is it sad to feel such an emotional attachment to a black circle on a piece of paper?

We got the call for the beta around 12:30...one reason I love Saturday appointments. It was funny because we were driving and I motioned for Jason to turn down the radio. It was already completely turned down. Ok, I was nervous! 

It was 656. That's a doubling time of 46 hours! That's our fastest yet!! It's still on the low side of normal BUT we're doubling at a good rate and going in the right direction.

Our parents are still in the dark, but now that we hope things are looking better, we're going to be telling them. We'll tell my parents on Christmas Eve and Jason's parents on Christmas Day. I'm so excited to tell them! Even if it ends badly, I so want to share this happiness with them right now while we can.

The past 16 months have been one disappointment after the next, but it seems like this past week has been the most emotionally exhausting week of it all. I'm praying harder and more than I ever have that this little guy or girl continues to fight and grow and comes out to meet us in 35ish more weeks!

I'd like to introduce the world to Baby T! If you're anything like us and have no clue what you're looking at, the black circle in the middle is our little bambino. If you look closely (click to enlarge), you can see a horizontal divide. I think the top half is the placenta and the bottom half will become our baby.